The lack of money is the root of all evil

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it

When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling

Golf is a good walk spoiled

By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean

Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

The man with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds

Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain

A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives