I guess the only way to stop divorce is to stop marriage.

Make crime pay. Become a lawyer

Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do

Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it

If you can build a business up big enough, it's respectable

The more that learn to read the less learn how to make a living. That's one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts

Too many people spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like.

The income tax has made more liars out of more Americans than golf has.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.

The only way you can beat the lawyers is to die with nothing

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else

A man only learns in two ways, one by reading, and the other by association with smarter people

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there