Every man over forty is a scoundrel

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh

The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It is the funniest joke in the world

Lack of money is the root of all evil

You see things; and you say: "Why?" But I dream things that never were; and I say: "Why not?"

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing

A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it: it would be hell on earth

In an ugly and unhappy world the richest man can purchase nothing but ugliness and unhappiness

A gentleman is one who puts more into the world than he takes out

When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty

You’ll never have a quiet world till you knock the patriotism out of the human race

Freedom means responsibility; that is the reason why most people are afraid of it

The golden rule is that there are no golden rules

A happy family is but an earlier heaven

When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.

I often quote myself. I find it adds spice to the conversation

There is only one religion, though there are a hundred versions of it.

Which painting in the National Gallery would I save if there was a fire? The one nearest the door of course

Democracy substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few